‘what do i do now?’ (My story)
“What Do I Do Now?“ That was the question I asked myself as I laid across my bed in a dark room following a soul-crushing life loss. December 2024 was, unquestionably, the hardest month of my entire life to date. I cried every tear I possibly had in my body, laid in bed as much as I could, and had grief-eaten everything I could get my hands on. I was cycling through the Stages of Grief at (what felt) faster than a motorist driving the Autobahn, despite the fact that my body was moving as slow as a tortoise. The holidays were unbearable.
And despite the crumbling grief of losing someone living,the self-deprecating thoughts enveloping my current state, and the crippling anxiety surrounding the future (i.e. returning to work post-holidays, having to leave the house, being around humans, etc.), the question still remained in my head…’what do I do now?’
Now, I’ll be transparent and share that “write an obituary” wasn’t the exact thought that came to mind but, following many prayers and a helpful suggestion from a family member to journal, I reluctantly began to write.I planned to utilize a journal that I had purchased months earlier but, due to some increasing vision issues (when it rains, it pours), I used a Google Document instead. And inevitably, instead of beginning to journal as intended, I did what most of us do when we are being avoidant…I began searching through random Google Documents to see what I had curated in the past. After a few clicks, there on my screen sat two of the most important works I had ever curated…my grandmother’s and grandfather’s obituaries.
Both of my parents are orphans. They both have lost the two closest people they will ever know.In their grief, both were left struggling to piece together the words to curate the final words about their forever soulmates. When I was asked in recent years to “look over them and revise as you see fit”, I realized how much it requires to write an obituary. From dates, to important memories, to clashing loved ones who all want their name/cherished memory listed…it’s a heavy weight to ask anyone grieving to bear. To add insult-to-injury, the person writing it is also under a time restraint; a funeral director usually needs the document within a fairly limited period of time. Countless times I have watched loved ones, who are stressed and trying to process the loss of their loved one, try their hardest to shift their attention to piecing together their legacy instead. It’s exhausting! Yet, the relief and tears that washed over my mother’s face when she received a beautifully pieced-together work for my grandfather’s homegoing service was a memory imprinted in my mind that I will never forget. During his service, all that attended laughed,cried, and reminisced as we remembered all of the intricate parts that made us love and miss our “Grandpa”. And that memory was brought back to me as I sat in my chair Christmas Day, reading his story. At that moment, as I reflected on my own life’s story, I realized I could write other’s.
His Her Their Story was birthed out of grief, but has been molded and transformed into a therapeutic healing space for others who are mourning (or celebrating). Therefore, grief has been a burden and a beautiful gift. It has allowed me to tap deeper into a well which has left me more empathetic as a therapist and human. As a woman of God, I believe every person has an innate gift, one that is wholly and beautifully yours. In honor of your incredible loved one, I hope to share mine with you.
Grief is a dark, decrepit tunnel. I have learned that you cannot go ‘over it’. You cannot go ‘around it’. You must go through it. And, if you must walk through it, it is always best to not travel alone. As you prepare to take this journey of piecing together your loved one’s legacy, whether they are living or no longer with us, please do not travel alone.
I cannot state this enough: I am so sorry for your loss, and yet so grateful you are here.
With gratitude,
Cheney
